Time, in business, is money. If, like me, you run a low-margin e-commerce business and allow customers to place orders over the phone, you might seriously question whether the cost of employee time spent on taking phone orders is actually compensated by the profits those orders generate, especially when most customer calls seem to go a little something like this…
J (Me): “Good morning, how can I help?”
(The voice on the other end is quiet, wheezy, crackly and nervous – a gentleman of advancing years who may have already had two gin-and-tonics by 11am.)
C(ustomer): “Is that the sausage people?”
J: “Um, yes, we do sell sausages. How can I help you?”
C: “Excuse me?”
J: “How can I help you?”
C: “Meat stew?”
J: “HOW CAN I HELP YOU?”
C: “Oh yes, my wife was on your pages thing last night and she’s asked me to call you to order one of your chorizos ‘cos it’s always quicker to speak to someone isn’t it?.”
J: “We have 12 different types of chorizos, did she say which one?”
C: “Say what?”
J: “Which chorizo, we have 12.”
C: “Ooh, dunno, better ask ‘er. Give us a second. (A deafening scream causes you to wrench the phone away from your ear). BAAARRRBBARRRAAAAH. BARRRRRRRBBBBSSSSSS. BAARRRRBBBBIE. (A quiet female voice in the distance responds). WHAT BLOODY SAUSAGE DID YOU WANT – THE BLOKE SAYS THEY’VE GOT TWELVE. (Barbara responds). She says it’s the big red one.”
J: “They’re all big and red I’m afraid.”
C: “What?”
J: “That doesn’t help much, I’m going to need more details.”
(Barbara, clearly irate, forces her husband off the phone and takes over.)
C: “Look here. I don’t want any trouble. My son-in-law’s brother’s wife had them on holiday in the Canaries last year and she loved them. You should know which ones I’m talking about.”
J: “Yes, sorry about that, do you think they might be the small cooking chorizos?”
C: “Yes, those are the ones.”
J: “OK. That’s fine. How many do you want?”
(Barbara has passed back to husband.)
C: “Who?”
J: “How many packs of the chorizo do you want?”
C: “Yes, chorizo, that’s what she said.”
J: “HOW MANY?”
C: “BAAAAARRRRRRRRRBBBBSSS. How many do want? (Barbs’ voice is heard in the background). Enough for 4 people.”
J: “Well, it depends on whether you’re serving it as a starter or main course. It could be one or two packs.”
C: “Oh god no, we only want one pack.”
J: “OK, anything else?”
(Silence on the other end of the line. After 1 or 2 minutes waiting, it is clear that the call has been cut off. After 5 minutes, the customer calls back.)
J: “Hello, how can I help?”
C: “Who’s that?”
J: “This is Jonathan – you were talking to me 5 minutes ago.”
C: “No, I was speaking to a nice young lady.”
J: “No, you were speaking to me. Would you like to order anything else other than the chorizo?”
C: “No.”
J: “OK, that will be £2.99 plus £5.99 delivery.”
C: “Oh dear. That’s terribly expensive. Can you not deliver it for free?”
J: “I’m afraid you order is for only £2.99. We couldn’t possibly deliver it for free.”
C: “Can I get a discount then?”
J: “No.”
C: “OK – let’s go ahead.”
J: “OK – I just need to take your details. Can I have your name please?”
C: “It’s J F W G Flanarghloughsly-Weinhartstatten”
J: “Could you spell that?”
C: “Spelt as said – with a double ‘t’.”
J: “Sorry, I’m going to need you to spell it.”
C: “What?”
J: “Please spell it.”
C: (Through a crackly line, customer painstakingly spells his name, whilst coughing and spluttering. He forgets where he is and starts over 3 times.)
J: “Thank you. And your address?”
C: “It’s in Pontllanfraith near Ystrad Mynach.”
J: (i resist the strong temptation to gauge my eye out with a biro). “I’m going to need you to spell it please.”
C: (Another 15 minutes of l’s and y’s, coughing and faults on the line.)
J: “Thank you. How would you like to pay?”
C: “Thank you. See you soon.”
J: “No, I’m going to need you to pay for the order.”
C: “Right, of course, let me go and get my wallet.”
(I listen to every painful wheeze as the customer retrieves his wallet from the third floor of his mansion and returns to the phone.)
J: “Can I take the card number?”
C: “Oh the numbers are so damn small, I’m going to need my glasses. Can you just wait a minute.”
(Customer returns, painfully, to the third floor to retrieve his glasses. Ten minutes later he is back on the phone.)
J: “OK, what were those numbers?”
C: “57 (break and crackle on the line) 743 (crackle) 4 (break) 45 (crackle)”
J: “I’m sorry. I didn’t get that. Can we try again?”
(After 4 attempts and 15 minutes, I manage to take down all the card details)
J: “I’m sorry, that card has been rejected.”
C: “That’s impossible, there’s plenty of money in that account. We’re seriously wealthy you know.”
J: “I’m sure there is, but the bank has rejected it.”
C: “Oh silly me. There are two cards stuck together here and I’ve given you the security code from another card.”
J: “OK, so can you give me the correct security code.”
C: “Damn, these numbers are so small. I’m going to need my other glasses.”
(15 minutes, 3 flights of stairs, wheezing and coughing)
C: “Right, let’s see. Oh bloody hell, they’ve been rubbed off. I can’t read them. This is too much bloody trouble. Can I send you a postal order?”
J: “No, we stopped accepting them in 1984.”
C: “What about a cheque?”
J: “1998”
C: “Well we’ll just have to leave it then I’m afraid. Your service is disgraceful. Good bye.”
